streetlights on concrete

the cuts in the road, the parallel lines
the lights in the sky,
excitedly flash their yellows and reds
reflect in my iris
night fires it's light.
i ask if i see with my body,
if i float up above and fly in between
the atoms and airplanes that make up
the air.
my mouth's making sound
that's seeming to flow with the dots
on the street.
speak, breath, speak, breath.
steady breath, steady breath.
but why? i ask
am i caught in this pattern
this tapping of fingers, this routine
of tongue.
i ask if the words in my head
are unspoken, unreal, or too deep
or secrets im bound to my body to keep?
this magical - frightening - helpless imagery
the cuts in the road,
the parallel lines,
the smudges of light,
the the fish in the sky
the bows on the trees
the unnecessary hum of daily pattern
i float up above
and fly in between
all the while, no one could know what I mean.

On Fire.

Curtains keep the world outside, they dim the headlights to a foggy
shade of blue.
The dull flicker of cheap cars, greedy humans, hollow life, and earth, are nothing but ideas.
Stories we've heard, but dismissed.
With naive denial, the world is a fable, and all signs of life
are here on this bed.
We sit like cross legged children,
not caring where we cast our glances or roam our minds.
The air smells serene; summer and incense.
Our eyelids are
heavy.
Our tongues are weak.
Our skin is alive.
Our lungs are on fire.

breathing wide open

i part my lips for the oxygen
to sweep into my soul
and float me to the sky
fill me up with air /
and rise me to the stars
where i can draw a masterpiece
of venus, earth, and mars,
and call this air the love we share
with every ounce we breath. <3

-Lacey Clark

this is what happens when i listen to a song and write a story about it.

Lucy loved tangerines, lived in a small cottage by the river, and had the most unbelievable desire to fly and touch the stars. Night after night she sat outside her copper painted home, her rocking horse of red, her bed of blue waiting for her return. She closed her eyes and prayed to god that she could reach the stars, a train of diamonds would reach from the clouds and rise her to the universe above. One day she knew, she knew in her young and willing heart, that this would be the night she would finally reach her destination.



Written while listening to the 3 minutes 20 seconds of the song,
Lucy in the sky with Diamonds-The Beatles


Friday January 29th, 2010 at 8:58 pm.
Lacey!

mind explosion

It's like fireworks in my head;
the popping bright light of memory,
exploding to a million technicolor sparks,
scattering across the back of my eyes.
Beautiful tragic dangerous fire
that you cannot help but gaze
until you lose sight of anything
else in the world.
Skin erupts to flames.
Body crumbles to the floor; ash.
Spirit breathes in the smoke
and lives forever dancing in the fire.

tongues ears chest eyes.

1.)
you're a waste of pressure on my chest and blood pounding the walls of my veins;
things that should occur from bliss, euphoria.

alas you cause these subtle senses to intensify not out of joy, but out of the desire to pull my heart from it's encasement and never feel again.

why do i fail to see past these hopeless fool catalysts in my eyes, the shades that blind me from the truth; you're not worth anything I give to you.

each time you break a thread of trust, a fiber of reliability, i love you less and less, but stupid me; i'm far too easily mended.

but mended is temporary, like a string so loosely tied i fall apart repeatedly. to lose one's dignity hurts more than a million needles picking every ligament apart.

i hate you now, and i yearn to hate you forever. to rip your face to shreds in every pretty picture. i'll shatter your twisted smile into tiny off-white shards for you to walk upon.

-------------------------------

2.)
Who needs pictures? constant reminders of fake plastered smiles
on manichean faces with knives in their eyes.
The voices, sounds, clicks of their tongues pulse my eardrum like safety pins.
Oh how I wish to drown them out and suck them dry so their mouth muscles crumble like dust in a vase.
All you happy, set people I found my true calling, I scream whisper.
my voice like a dream where your vocal chords strain nothing but breath.
no sound.
i have no voice.

-----------------------------

3.)
I tell myself today that I can breath on my own, my lungs expand and shrink,
my heart is still a ticking bomb.
I set flame to all our pictures and the wall turned tangerine, i sucked in deep and breathed the smoke and finally felt clean.
you saw the ashes on the ground but never have a clue to anything I mean.

You poor a glass of something red and press your lips against my head.

Here is to giving a shit; as i raise my glass into the air and shatter how i used to care.

---------------------------

4.)
oh how i despise that song
the one that made my chest twist and stir,
my legs go soft.
the song that swam through my head
tossing its bliss through my brain
with a blazing pulse flow.
the song you seemed to whisper when our lips met.

because now, that immaculate braid of notes and breaths
has corrupted itself to the devil's tongue
licking its poison through my ears.

what a damn romantic. 3 poems.

1.)
Constantly there like a dark ghost, i plead you to haunt me.
You show yourself again and again; taunting lust in your dark eyes.
A hideous sin, unsatisfied, hungry, and vast
It rips me in half, when i shut out this world and enter ours;
a dream that has chased me and grazed his hot fingers over my back
slipped his smooth lips over mine,
Pinned me down and consumed me whole.


it's all imagery.
it never existed.
we never existed.
i've never existed.

---------------------------------------------------


2.)
something foreign has taken me over.
it pounds my chest extra hard, and out of rythym.
spins me in tight circles until my stomach turns to dough
withdrawal tosses my head against the wall

i am spiraling.

where is your face to hold my attention?
where are your hands that push my demons away?
where is your voice to strike my thoughts in place?

curse the miles that keep you from me.
i need to twist the roads into the sky, slide through the clouds, and crash to your bed.


where is my heart? it fell from my chest. I left it at home; un-tended to.

where are my hands? i left them with yours, i'm limp and unwilling; i cannot hold on.

where is my voice? no noise from my lips, i left them with you; my beautiful song.


-------------------------------------------------


3.)
Sweet dreams are when I close my eyes
and feel your figure next to me,
a ghost to never leave my side
my antidote of sanity.

I'm barren of my soul and mind
what hollow pits that lay within,
my lungs can't breath without your hands
i'm nothing more than bone and skin.

How does anothers presence here
eliminate my every fear
you always fuel the light in me
so promise you will keep me near.

spitoutwords

always searching for the impossible, in a world
where all thats possible is hatred and grief
jealousy
lies
lust
betrayal
emptiness.
we yearn to be filled, with the satisfying water
of life
and breath like fish
the salty fluid of our existence.

anxiety.

These are my goldfish. I know that I had named them at one point but I'm guessing I forgot their names. [oops.]
Anyways, I took this picture of them while they were swimming around in their bowl. I wonder how bad it must suck swimming around in a bowl like that for an infinite amount of time. They're confined to cylinder walls. Sometimes I feel like I'm in a bowl myself. Sometimes I feel like I'm swimming in a circle and I'm stuck and my heart starts to race and my mind races too. I'm pretty sure I have some form of anxiety.
And it sucks. I just don't want it to be there.

-------------------------------

Panic disorder

In panic disorder, a person suffers brief attacks of intense terror and apprehension that cause trembling and shaking, confusion, dizziness, nausea, difficulty breathing, and feelings of impending doom or a situation that would be embarrassing. One who is often plagued by sudden bouts of intense anxiety might be said to be afflicted by this disorder. The American Psychiatric Association (2000) defines a panic attack as fear or discomfort that arises abruptly and peaks in 10 minutes or less, and can occasionally last hours.
Although panic attacks sometimes seem to occur out of nowhere, they generally happen after frightening experiences, prolonged stress, or even exercise. Many people who have panic attacks (especially their first one) think they are having a heart attack and often end up at the doctor or emergency room. Even if the tests all come back normal the person will still worry, with the physical manifestations of anxiety only reinforcing their fear that something is wrong with their body. Heightened awareness (hypervigilance) of any change in the normal function of the human body will be noticed and interpreted as a possible life threatening illness by an individual suffering from panic attacks.
Normal changes in heartbeat, such as when climbing a flight of stairs will be noticed by a panic sufferer and lead them to think something is wrong with their heart or they are about to have another panic attack. Some begin to worry excessively and even quit jobs or refuse to leave home to avoid future attacks. Panic disorder can be diagnosed when several apparently spontaneous attacks lead to a persistent concern about future attacks.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anxiety_disorder#Generalized_anxiety_disorder

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FUN HUH?!?
yeah so more than anything I'm really emberassed and frustrated about this whole thing.
I feel like it's worse lately and my boyfriend doesn't love it.
I got emberassed in school when I was 25 minutes late for class and came in crying.
So I feel the need to complain on a blog because it's easiest to vent to a keyboard.


...SO Back to the Goldfish Thing...
It would suck quite a bit for the little fellow if the one goldfish was alone. But it's not. It has a best friend in there with him.
and I just have to think- I am surrounded by people that love me and won't stop just because I get a little freaked out sometimes.